A Twist in the Road

I recently found myself facing, yet another health “condition”. Visual symptoms that I’d experienced a year ago, came back. I’m losing my sight to the number one cause of blindness in the US. No treatment for “my kind”. REALLY?!?! I’m one garage sale away from setting up my stained glass and lapidary workshop in the garage… Not sure how safe it will be to play with glass and solder….. dammit! My breath is stopped, as I attempt to integrate this new reality into my mind. I mean, I reached huge goals this year….. I have been involved in the rock club and several Meetup groups, including photography. My dream for this “third act”, as I have been referring to my current life. I’m unable to work in my chosen field of medicine, specifically nursing. My 17 years in Labor and Delivery/NICU, are what I look back to, in order to be reminded of my awesomeness. I was a great nurse. I was a great Mom, too. I’m not great at anything in this third act, so far. I was going to get great, though, putting all of my energy into my love of writing, photography, stained glass and lapidary. I was just going to become great, again. I felt such promise and hope. My daughter decided she wants me to know my Grandson. It has not happened. yet. So, then my mind goes to the knowledge that I cannot see him as clearly as I should, and time is not always on my side. Such a silly thought, right? People say, “don’t give it any energy”, by thinking like this. Fear is different than knowing, at least this time. As I struggle to read and write this very blog, I thank God for the ability to enlarge font, and use a wireless keyboard that my mind has memorized.

After a weekend pity party, I thought I was past that devastated feeling. I’m so not. But one thing I’ve learned is how to fight fear. I fight it with Faith and Courage. Just as I smudge away the negative energy in my home, I stand opposed to that darkness that is fear. Today, I reminded myself that the struggle to meditate daily might be assisted by the need to use my mind’s eye. We have this amazing vision that cannot be damaged by the physical deterioration of our eyes. As all of my five senses diminish, I seek all the sensory input I can get. The sounds of life at my little sanctuary, greet me every morning. The sounds tell the story of the seasons, as does the garden, who’s beauty goes beyond the appreciation of a good photograph. I can still see to take an automatic photograph, so all is not yet lost. I will stand opposed to the darkness, with the light that comes from a sacred place.

My home has become a place to ground myself, beyond ways I could have planned, as a sign that I’m in the right place. Facing perfectly East-West, as well as being atop a small hill, I get the sunrises and sunsets that can only be described as stellar, divine, spiritual, sacred. The colors produced are the likes of which I’ve never seen. Pinkish oranges, some days, and what I’ve come to call Lavender Skies….. when the hue of the horizon, in all directions, appears to have been washed in lavender. The skylights and windows conspire to mark the Solstice’s and Equinox’s upon the wall in my living room. It is physically regulating my body, just as I found gardening to do. Pulling weeds is never just pulling weeds.

So, Opposed I stand, in my power, my light, in my inner vision. Perhaps my art will still be there for a while. No wasting time, here. My minds eye calls me to the cushion, a place where my vision steps beyond my eyes.

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Faith Is.....

My name, my motto, my forever reminder of the wisdom that sustains me, even in the worst of times.

Mr. Biggs comes to Washington

Mr. Biggs and Faith

Mr. Biggs and Me

After a nine month wait, my service dog is finally here!  At only 18 months, I still must continue his training, but he is already doing the jobs he is supposed to do.  Having serious PTSD from multiple traumas, I opted for the benefits of a trained dog, rather than a puppy. It has been a decision that I will never regret. It was love at first site, and my worries that he would not take to me were abolished when he put his head on my shoulder, as I drove away from the airport, with he and his amazing trainer, Patricia.  She looked at me with surprise and pride and probably a mixture of difficult emotions, when he snuggled his head next to mine, and licked my wrist, ever so delicately.  Having raised him from birth to be a service dog, she has been there from the moment of his birth.  A purely selfless endeavor. Their bond will never die, but he seems to just know who he was meant for.  His ability to sense my needs is remarkable.  I cried in public, which I “don’t do”, the first time he did what is called blocking.  I was with the trainer, who stayed for five days to show me what he can do and how to continue his training.  The clothing store employee was asking about him, and we were talking, when I realized he was standing sideways in front of me, with his body pressed gently against my legs.  I was blown away.  I had not allowed myself to believe this was really going to happen.  At this moment, it became real.  Patti was beaming with pride.  Many more moments have followed in the 8 days since.  An actual soak in the tub; walking the forest trail by my house that goes all the way to the beach for the very first time, despite the fact that I’ve been here 2 1/2 years;  sleeping through the night; waking from a flashback/nightmare to a silky soft furperson pawing at you and sitting for a hug….. didn’t even turn on the light.   There is a peace in my every cell, and in my soul is growing.

Stepping into the light

The light and the dark
They play games in my mind
What’s dark is light, what’s light is dark
The world is chaos and I am blind

My dark night of the soul repeats
Day after night
Night after day
Until my heart retreats

You came like an angel
On wings of steel
And showed you were able
To let me feel

Too long has fear ruled my mind
You’ve brought me hope
With those eyes, so kind
Together, a pact, we did bind

To breathing, to joy
To nature and grounding
To the toys you’ll destroy
To the blond hair mounding

No more dark nights
They can’t quell your light
We will, together, set our sights
On a future, ever so bright

The long and windy road

    Today I realized that I am exactly where I was 20 years ago, realizing that I was so disconnected from my soul, that I needed to search for it.  And, so began the journey to my soul, once again.  As the sun is setting on this day, the silly trills of the red winged blackbirds have faded, and a gentle silence is setting in, I see that tomorrow is just the beginning.  Again.  I can do this.

     If I can see tomorrow as a single day, and live it as such, I will have accomplished a great deal.  I have only learned that I am normal, considering what I’ve been through, from reading the brave stories in the blogs of others with complex PTSD.  We have much to teach the world about our world, which is so poorly understood by most professionals.  Some children are not resilient.  I’m one of them.  

     I’m told to tell my story.  I want to.  I have wanted to be that brave for a very long time.  Twenty years ago, I began, but was betrayed during a hospital stay, with a family member reading my journals.  I plan to get it out, finally, so that I can let it go.  I am stripped of every sense of self, of control, of purpose.  But, I will find it, again.