I recently found myself facing, yet another health “condition”. Visual symptoms that I’d experienced a year ago, came back. I’m losing my sight to the number one cause of blindness in the US. No treatment for “my kind”. REALLY?!?! I’m one garage sale away from setting up my stained glass and lapidary workshop in the garage… Not sure how safe it will be to play with glass and solder….. dammit! My breath is stopped, as I attempt to integrate this new reality into my mind. I mean, I reached huge goals this year….. I have been involved in the rock club and several Meetup groups, including photography. My dream for this “third act”, as I have been referring to my current life. I’m unable to work in my chosen field of medicine, specifically nursing. My 17 years in Labor and Delivery/NICU, are what I look back to, in order to be reminded of my awesomeness. I was a great nurse. I was a great Mom, too. I’m not great at anything in this third act, so far. I was going to get great, though, putting all of my energy into my love of writing, photography, stained glass and lapidary. I was just going to become great, again. I felt such promise and hope. My daughter decided she wants me to know my Grandson. It has not happened. yet. So, then my mind goes to the knowledge that I cannot see him as clearly as I should, and time is not always on my side. Such a silly thought, right? People say, “don’t give it any energy”, by thinking like this. Fear is different than knowing, at least this time. As I struggle to read and write this very blog, I thank God for the ability to enlarge font, and use a wireless keyboard that my mind has memorized.
After a weekend pity party, I thought I was past that devastated feeling. I’m so not. But one thing I’ve learned is how to fight fear. I fight it with Faith and Courage. Just as I smudge away the negative energy in my home, I stand opposed to that darkness that is fear. Today, I reminded myself that the struggle to meditate daily might be assisted by the need to use my mind’s eye. We have this amazing vision that cannot be damaged by the physical deterioration of our eyes. As all of my five senses diminish, I seek all the sensory input I can get. The sounds of life at my little sanctuary, greet me every morning. The sounds tell the story of the seasons, as does the garden, who’s beauty goes beyond the appreciation of a good photograph. I can still see to take an automatic photograph, so all is not yet lost. I will stand opposed to the darkness, with the light that comes from a sacred place.
My home has become a place to ground myself, beyond ways I could have planned, as a sign that I’m in the right place. Facing perfectly East-West, as well as being atop a small hill, I get the sunrises and sunsets that can only be described as stellar, divine, spiritual, sacred. The colors produced are the likes of which I’ve never seen. Pinkish oranges, some days, and what I’ve come to call Lavender Skies….. when the hue of the horizon, in all directions, appears to have been washed in lavender. The skylights and windows conspire to mark the Solstice’s and Equinox’s upon the wall in my living room. It is physically regulating my body, just as I found gardening to do. Pulling weeds is never just pulling weeds.
So, Opposed I stand, in my power, my light, in my inner vision. Perhaps my art will still be there for a while. No wasting time, here. My minds eye calls me to the cushion, a place where my vision steps beyond my eyes.