Almost a thousand days have passed, since I wrote here. In that time, much has happened. As my last post reveals, I was embarking, once again, on the path of finding myself on some sort of solid ground, with some semblance of sanity. Things were looking bleak for me three years ago. I was mostly disconnected from my family, and was trying to heal from a serious bout of PTSD. As I noted at the time, this is not the first time I’ve had to go through “starting over”.
This time was very different. I’m not supposed to be here. By all rights, I should not be alive. I guess that’s where The story starts. Imagine a room with a little someone sitting in shadow, where the light is only behind them, and you can only see their silhouette. I recall that I was laying in a bed that I could see myself from up above it. There was someone there, with light behind them. I could not be sure who I was talking to. The talking was about whether or not I was going quote into the light”, or going back to my human existence. Talking is put it mildly, as I was ready to go.
This was not my first rodeo, as I have experienced crippling pain since I was 13 years old, and I got pretty tired of not getting adequate treatment for it. My life was also complicated by very complex posttraumatic stress disorder or, which was not diagnosed until I had lost my entire family. Other disabling health complications, including auto immune diseases, had cost me my career as a labor and delivery and NICU nurse. I’d become so unbalanced that nobody could be around me, my health was such that doctors could do nothing more for me, and my pain was beyond any scale anyone has ever invented.
In a stern but loving male voice, I heard “you must go back”. “I can’t do it anymore”, I exclaimed, with intense desperation. There was a lot of back-and-forth. In retrospect, if I’ve been talking to God, I would think I be in a wee bit of trouble, for my disrespectfulness. I am, literally, argued my case. I ranted about how useless I was, how much pain I was in, how nobody wanted me. I pled my case to be let into heaven. The man, who I’ve come to believe was my Grandfather, continued to argue back at me, at every turn. There was a lot of talk about work that I still had to do on earth.
Now, I know what some might be thinking…. Who was it? Or, was it just a brain trick? My first thought was, was this Jesus? Was it an angel? How could I imagine that it was my Grandfather if i didn’t know during the conversation? All very good questions. These are things I asked myself. Fortunately, I wrote things down, right from the beginning. All the reasons that I was needed here. Mostly, however, it was really none of my business. My only business from here on out was to do my best and to stop trying to control everything.
What happens next, was not at all funny, until after the fact, but I laugh quite a bit about it, now. You see, I was in a hospital bed, in a coma from an overdose, and there was a person watching over me and my monitors. They did not know if I would ever wake up. But I did. I, literally, woke up yelling. The poor guy had such a scare! I was yelling very loudly, as I regained consciousness. I will never forget the look on that young man’s face. As soon as I realized that I had lost the argument, and was among the living, I stopped yelling. The guy ran out of the room, and soon came back with a registered nurse. As I said, this was not my first rodeo, and I knew where I needed to go for my 72 hour hold. I requested that of the nurse immediately, and she was happy to inquire and set up my transfer, so that I would not go to the county place nearby. I have been at this facility previously, and knew that I would do well there. It took me only an hour or so to realize that I had absolutely no say in the matter of when I die. I decided, therefore, that I would give it my best. I promised myself and I promised God.
From the moment I entered the hospital, which I lovingly referred to as the “nut hut”, I have been determined to live. This will be the story of how I have found my feet, found my family, and found my soul. It is also the story of how I’ve heard learn to let go of things. I’m learning to let go of dreams, Activities, and lifestyle, at every turn. My latest challenge is a new diagnosis. I have an extremely rare disease of the eye, not related to any other rare diseases I have, that is taking my sight. Going forward, this is about staying grounded. Telling my story may help someone out there, who goes to the Internet to find out how does One gracefully go blind, and find that there is absolutely no information. Tomorrow, I will have a consultation with a federally funded organization. I hope to learn more from them, and talk about what it’s like to learn how to use all this new gadgets and gizmos in order to see while I still have some vision. I want to talk about what it’s like for someone who is a visual artist, as in photography, stained glass, landscape gardening, nature loving, writer, to go blind.
The first thing I found, was that an iPad could help me write by using dictation. That is how I am writing this first post, since I was diagnosed. Ever since my near death experience, I’ve had utter certainty of the spiritual realm, and have never looked back with any doubt. I look forward with faith. I’ve looked fear in the face, and it ran away. I will do it, again, tomorrow.
May you always find Faith.
Journey to My Soul 